love and anger

It is currently Friday morning, and I am sitting in my classroom listening to the hum of my fan and the sounds of construction in the background. My classroom is still littered with the pieces of paper, leftover lunches, sweaty napkins, and a few runaway marbles left over from the marble fiasco (two cups of marbles, all over the room) that speak volumes about the effectiveness of chore time. My lesson plans sit patiently, reminding me that they aren't finished, and the papers and workbooks are waiting their turn to be graded. This has, in effect, become my life. I no longer find it strange that I am in this classroom most of my waking hours, and the speed at which I have adjusted surprises me.
Week 9 has successfully passed, but like any week it has had its challenges. Last week, the students were good, and we hit the first reward mark in the bean bank (yay extra recess!). Monday was a good day too, perhaps because two of my biggest troublemakers were sick (it's sad when you are happy that your students are sick). Then Tuesday hit. I don't know what got into them, but they must've decided to try being bad for a while and see what happened. Well, what happened was Ms. Courtney got angry. Very angry. They were already rowdy when lunch hit, and then about an hour before school ended, a huge thunderstorm rolled in. Screams, rushes to the windows, 10 hands going up to go to the bathroom, and a total loss of control ensued. Try teaching seven-year-olds about the digestive system when there's a Noah-scale flood and rainstorm going on outside. I would've given up, and almost did, but I suppose I got stubborn and didn't want to let them enjoy the rain when they didn't deserve it. I yelled, threatened, sent to the principal, and generally put myself in a very bad mood and failed to be an effective teacher. That afternoon I never wanted to see my students again.
That week in staff worship, we had two thoughts that were really good. The first was that we are here to do battle for the Lord, and the second was that we should really love our students and stop counting down the days til Friday, Christmas, and Graduation. I wish I could say I remembered those sentiments on Wednesday afternoon, but it is often only after the fact that I remember. Perhaps God was trying to prepare me and give me a warning. I wish I had payed a little more attention.
Wednesday was a little better. I came in with a no mercy attitude, and after over half the class had their names on the board they got the message that we were not having a repeat of yesterday. I was praying for the strength to just survive until Friday, and it was granted. Thursday was a reasonably good discipline day. We practiced good posture in healthy class, and I had them practice walking in a line with good posture. Unfortunately, I locked myself out of the classroom, so we marched over to the office and had Mr. Nelson get us keys. I was laughing so hard at Blossom. She has enough attitude for two people, and she refused to stand up straight. She looked like an old man (no offense to any of those well endowed with years), slumping forward on purpose with a dour look on her face. I really couldn't help laughing, and I told her that she looked like an old man. She still refused to stay standing straight, just to spite me, but every time I looked at her I laughed because she looked so ridiculous.
I am trying to teach my kids a quote that I learned in elementary school:

Good, better, best
Never let it rest,
Until your good is better
And your better, best.

It is one of the few things I remember from elementary week of prayers, and I find that it sums up much of my attitude toward life. I am hoping that the point of the quote will get through to some of the students. It is a little above their heads, but after explaining it and leaving it up on the board I am hoping it will stick with them. My guess is that it will just make my good students better and my slow students won't care, but doing your best is so important in life that I am trying to plant the idea in their heads.
Last week we went to Kenya (thanks Jared for the pictures!). It didn't go as well as last week - one or two refused to participate, and the kids were so rowdy! They can't sit anywhere near each other or else they start pushing and always, always, a hand goes up: "Tee-cher, so-and-so's bothering me". Most of the kids are still enjoying it. Next week is Ecuador.
We are having a few more job changes, more to come on that later since all of the switches aren't final yet. My only drama so far has been with my students, and I hope it stays that way.
To all of you have sent packages and emails, thank you so much! I feel so loved, blessed, and supported. The girls laugh at me because I love just opening the fridge and cupboard and looking at all my food - I guess it's a visible, tangible form of love when everyone is so far away.
I am still praying for real, deep love for my students. I want to able to discipline lovingly and not in anger. Until I get that God-like love, I am continuing to fight the good fight.